


The Fool

by wocket



Category: American (US) Actor RPF, Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF, US Comedians RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 02:09:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17972459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wocket/pseuds/wocket
Summary: Jealous people are trouble to others and a torment to themselves. Nick Kroll knows fact this well.





	The Fool

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Toxic_speaker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toxic_speaker/gifts).



_I could always live in my art, but not in my life. - Ingmar Bergman_

Nick loves John’s big heart. It’s one of the greatest things about him. When Nick is on the receiving end of John’s attention, there’s nothing better - but sometimes John loves other people so much that it makes Nick feel like there’s no room for him anymore. 

Nick sees that dumb Instagram post of John and Pete in each other’s clothes, and suddenly holding hands on the red carpet and admitting they love each other feels a million times more subtle than whatever _this_ is. 

Nick decides _fuck it_ , he’s not going to let social media ruin his life. So he picks up his cellphone and texts John, asking him if he wants to get together for dinner somewhere.

 _Sorry, buddy, can’t make it_ comes his response.

Nick puts the phone down, depressed, and eats a bowl of cold cereal instead. He’s washing the bowl when a notification comes through from Instagram. It’s another photo of John and Pete out on the town. 

Nick wants to drop his phone into the garbage disposal.

*

Nick kicks his trash can when he sees the NBC announcement on John’s Twitter feed. He’s happy for his friend, he truly is. Hosting _Saturday Night Live_ twice in one year is the wild kind of accomplishment only John Mulaney would be capable of. SNL has been their shared dream for years, a dream John lived out while Nick cheered from the sidelines, and pretty frequently, the live studio audience.

But fuck Pete Davidson, seriously. 

Nick knew Pete was still working for the show, lending his goofy face to one-liners in mediocre sketches and occasional Weekend Update bits. When Nick sees John’s name written on those colored index cards, he knows that it means John will be spending an entire week with Pete - a week full of laughter, hanging out in the dressing rooms and piling into Pete’s tiny office. A creative orgy. Nick tries not to think about Pete visiting John in the host’s dressing room, tries not to think about the two of them backstage or going for Chinese after readthrough on Wednesday night.

It doesn’t work.

*

John is the funniest person Nick knows, and Nick is reminded at least a dozen times throughout the various sketches why he cares for this tall, strange man.

Nick gives a standing ovation at the end of the SNL show, wishing there was some way to cheer for John and not for Pete, but knowing in the back of his mind that they’re inexplicably entwined in this venture. He tries to bury his hurt when he sees Pete slip his hand into John’s back pocket, a detail most people will have missed in the hustle and bustle of goodnights.

Nick’s ego is restored a little bit when John picks his face out in the crowd immediately. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” John asks him with a smile, catching Nick in a familiar hug. Nick wraps his arms around John’s trim waist and squeezes. Some stage make-up rubs off John’s chin onto Nick’s shoulder.

“What do you think? I’m so proud of you,” Nick says, trying not to get emotional.

“I love you, Nick,” John says, adrenaline still pumping through his system. He’s on a high from the show; he probably doesn’t know what he’s saying. “You didn’t have to come. We have that table read in a couple of weeks.”

“You’re incredible,” Nick says, and it’s not a fake show business pat on the back. He means it.

“Mulaney!” comes a voice from a few feet away, and Nick’s stomach drops. Pete is beckoning for the host - John - to come speak to someone that Nick doesn’t recognize. When John doesn’t budge right away, Pete comes over and throws an arm around John’s neck. “Yo,” he says to John. Pete nods at Nick, which Nick guesses is some kind of hello. How could John be into this kid?

“Give me a sec,” John begs.

John wanders back to Nick fifteen minutes later, Pete still lurking over his shoulder. “Come with me,” he says to Kroll, dragging him backstage.

*

Nick almost regrets seeing the inside of the host’s dressing room. It makes the dream feel too real and at the same time, too distant. 

John’s clothes are hanging up on a rack along with his costumes from tonight’s sketches. There’s a steamer in the corner.

Pete is perched on top of a counter in front of the make-up mirror. He's smoking a blunt, taking deep, professional hits. Nick waits for him to pass it, but he chiefs the blunt instead, watching John. John, after wiping his make-up off, stands up to take the blunt from Pete. Pete gets excited, thinking he’s finally going to hit it, but John just passes it to Nick.

“Thanks, buddy,” Nick says, taking two puffs before passing it back to John, who hands it back to Pete for him. It tastes nice but does nothing for his nerves.

A knock comes at the dressing room door. John slips outside to talk to Lorne free from the haze of pot smoke. 

“So you working on anything?” Pete asks, trying to stir up conversation in John’s absence. Nick wishes he would have just stayed quiet. 

“I have a movie premiering at SXSW,” Nick says, racking his brain for his most exciting upcoming accomplishment. 

“Just like acting, or…” Pete trails off.

“Uh, yeah, I’m in the movie. I wrote it, too.”

“Cool. Yeah, I did the whole film festival thing back in January with _Big Time Adolescence_ at Sundance.” Sundance. Of course he had a project at Sundance.

John comes back into the dressing room with an envelope, which seems like some weird SNL mafia thing, but Pete ignores it so Nick does too. John bends over to slip the envelope into his backpack, and Pete wolf whistles. When John stands back up, he taps Pete on the chin with the knuckle of his index finger, and it’s such a small, intimate gesture that Nick suddenly wants to die.

Nick stares at Pete, feeling a deep desire to throttle him. John belonged to Nick first. If Nick hadn’t brought John out of his shell, there’s no way that John and Pete would have this… flirtation, or whatever. Nick doesn’t want to give it a name.

John looks from Pete, happy as a clam, to Nick, who looks considerably less pleased. Nick can see the gears turning when John comes up with: “Let’s go get something to eat.”

“All right,” Pete exclaims, hopping off the counter. “I know just the place.”

Of course he did.

*

They talked about their writing, and their acting, and John’s wife Anna. After the meal, John excuses himself to smoke a cigarette while Pete orders dessert. Nick would join John outside, but he’s held up while the waitress makes change. 

Pete spoons a heaping piece of key lime pie into his mouth. He sizes up Nick.

“So you two boned yet or what?”

Nick’s only been in one fight, but he feels like getting into another one right now. He doesn’t realize he’s inching closer, his fist clenched, until Pete stops him with a hand on his chest.

“If we’re about to fight,” Pete smirks, “can you watch the face? I’ve got a show to do next weekend and all,” he says with a smart voice, somehow knowing what will cut Nick the most. It doesn’t matter if he means SNL or one of those comedy shows he’s been doing with John - either way, Nick wants to slap the smirk off his face. Nick gets up before he actually does, unsure if he’d be able to stop himself.

Nick almost walks right past John on his way out of the restaurant. John catches him by the elbow with a smile, and it makes Nick want to forget about everything on his mind.

“Running out on me?” John asks, jokingly, not realizing what’s happening.

“Hm?” Nick says. “No,” he lies.

“Thanks for coming tonight. Really,” John says fondly, flicking ash from his cigarette and then pulling Nick into a side-hug.

Nick has so many things that he wants to say, he doesn’t manage to say a single one of them.

*

Two and a half weeks later, after the _My Dinner With Andre_ table read in Los Angeles, John joins Nick in his hotel suite. They find an old Jerry Lewis movie on cable and order room service.

Nick watches John pick up his phone, read a message, and smile. Nick balls his hands into fists and gets up to get a drink from the mini-bar. Nick tries not to let it all bother him, tries to be his usual chipper self. He fails miserably. He keeps imagining Pete’s hands all over John, where he might have touched him, the _way_ he might have touched him.

Nick wonders if Anna ever felt this way. On second thought, she seems too secure to care.

Barely invested in the movie, John cracks jokes throughout the film. When he notices Nick isn’t coming up with as many one liners as usual, he crosses his arms and leans back next to his friend.

“What’s on your mind?”’

Nick shakes his head, unwilling to answer. 

John’s eyes are sad when he realizes Nick doesn’t want to tell him anything. “You used to be able to talk to me,” he says in a solemn voice. It was true; in their college days they'd talk for hours about everything from their hopes and dreams to their greatest fears.

 _Fuck it_ , Nick says. He goes for it. “Are you and Pete a thing?”

“ _What_?” John sputters, laughing.

“Pete Davidson. Are you -”

“I know what you said. I’m just surprised by the question, that’s all,” John says, sighing. He studies the somber look on Nick’s face in disbelief.

“So you and Pete… never…?”

“No,” John says, as if it’s an outlandish idea. “Pete’s a good kid with a lot going on. He needs some positive influences in his life.”

“And that’s you?”

“You think it’s not?” John asks, unable to disguise the tinge of hurt in his voice.

“That’s not what I mean,” Nick says suddenly, foot in his mouth. “I have fond memories of you in college, that’s all I meant.”

“That was a long time ago.”

It was.

Nick looks over at John, and his face inspires that same stupid feeling it always does. Nick feels a surge of adrenaline rush through his body, and before he loses his nerve, he takes John’s face into his hands and kisses him. John responds with a more yearning kiss than Nick could have imagined.

“I was wondering if you were ever going to do that.”

“You knew?” Nick manages to ask, a dumb look on his face.

“I see the way you look at me,” John says fondly, and he leans forward to claim Nick’s mouth in a kiss.

Nick grabs John’s tie in the way he always dreams of doing, using it as leverage to keep him in a passionate kiss. “Shut up and let me rock your world.”

Nick loosens John’s tie before pulling it off completely. He starts to unbutton his dress shirt with slow, careful hands, revealing John’s chest. He get about halfway down before he pauses and starts to pull his hands away as if he’s realized something startling. 

“I’m sorry,” Nick apologizes in advance, looking down. “Anna?” he says in a timid voice. As much as Nick wants this, he can’t bring himself to hurt John’s wife.

John grabs Nick’s hand. “She’s the one who pointed it out to me at first,” John admits, bringing Nick’s hand back up to his chest. Well, that explained things a little bit more.

Relieved, Nick continues undressing John, who begins to reciprocate, unbuckling Nick’s belt with slender fingers. 

They hold each other and it’s not strange at all. It feels like the perfectly natural extension of everything they’ve ever been. Nick expects to show John a thing or two, but he’s surprised by John’s sexual showmanship. He’s always so eager to please; why should this be any different?

Nick’s so perfectly content for them to jerk each other off, not expecting anything more, that it also takes him by surprise when John kneels in front of him, licking and sucking and driving Nick insane. John lets him come in his mouth, which is an image Nick will keep in his head forever. He might not jerk off to the idea of anything else but _that_ ever again.

Nick gets John off after that, and it’s a little weird, having another guy’s dick in his hand, but if he’s going to have anyone’s dick in his hand it might as well be John Mulaney’s. He’ll deal. He’ll learn.

After they both come, Nick nuzzles John’s jaw. He nips at John’s neck until John turns his head to grant him a long kiss. 

“That’s more like it,” John comments on Nick’s smile. Color blooms on his cheeks. John strokes Nick’s scruff, a touch that turns into a caress. John’s touch doesn’t just make Nick feel warm inside, he feels _alive_ , the subject of John’s affection once more.

*

John’s got an early flight out of LAX the next morning, so Nick doesn’t get to enjoy a lazy day wrapped up in John’s long limbs. John doesn’t want to wake his sleeping companion when he leaves before the crack of dawn, so he kisses Nick’s forehead, but not before snapping a photo of him sleeping, a photo he does _not_ post to Instagram. 

John leaves a note for him written on the hotel stationary.

_❤️ you. Don’t be afraid to talk to me._

One sees clearest with the heart, after all.


End file.
